Wednesday, January 11, 2011. 3380 Wikinson Center. BYUSA Potential Officer Interest Meeting.

I prepared myself to throw open the door and discover masses of people lining the rows of the Little Theatre. I was ready to take on the throngs of aspiring leaders at BYU. I walked in and struck my most charismatic pose and paused.

Was I early? I checked my watch, 3:59 p.m. So why were there only four people in the room? I walked toward the front of the room and found that two of the four (now five) individuals in the room were BYUSA’s own Elections Chair Thomas Montoya III and Elections Director Adrian Klemme.

The presentation began. I listened intently and furiously scribbled on my engineering paper (It costs more, but it makes you look smart). Everything was sounding great. I was memorizing the hierarchical organization of BYUSA and I could almost see my beaming face emanating from the top of the pyramid on the screen.

Then, the current BYUSA president walked in the room. Do you know his name? Well, neither did I, but I hung on to every word Ryan said.

“I have been incredibly changed by BYUSA,” Ryan said.

I thought to myself, “That’s all well and good Ryan. I’m glad it changed you, but how much did you change it? Listen up Ryan. After my presidency, I won’t have changed at all, but BYUSA will never be the same.”

The presentation continued with the list of requirements: a minimum of 2 semesters of leadership experience? And one must be with BYUSA? If it weren’t for blue pancakes every fall semester I would not even be aware of the group’s existence. But even if I can’t submit my application the traditional way, I will still win the presidency. Doubt it? Read on.

You may ask how I know the wishes of the BYU student population. The answer? The Reader’s Forum in the Daily Universe. Based on what you all have written — and I’m going to assume the Daily Universe represents all of you perfectly — I have established the following running platform.

My 10 Campaign Initiatives:
1.       Two entrances to the library. The 300 ft (measured by my loyal staff) journey from the snack zone to the headphone ringing security devices is all too far for dedicated tuition-paying, hard working, middle class students to bear. Construction will begin as soon as my victory is announced on March 1. I’m sorry Independent Study. You’re being relocated to B-66 (the construction and pottery building in case you’re not familiar with it).
2.       Mustaches will be outlawed (they make you look like an outlaw) and beards will be required. Men won’t have to invest half their savings in shaving cream, the stress levels of employees in the ID center will go down, and the scruffy look will increase dating. Win, win, win.
3.       The Cougareat will be bulldozed. I know what you’re thinking. What about the conference rooms above it? Don’t worry, it’s all in the plan. We’ll sell tickets to the explosive demolition (complete with a fireworks display) and set up stands around campus. We’ll call it, “Fire in Earnest” and all proceeds will go to constructing new conference rooms equipped with ball pens — you know, the kind recently banned from McDonalds for safety reasons.
4.       The duct that blows hot air outside the SWKT will be named for J. Golden Kimball. No explanation needed.
5.       All labs (especially the cadaver lab) will be open access.
6.       Anything with wheels (that means you too, rolling backpacks) will be forbidden.
7.       The grounds crew will be absolved from their mundane task of observing the already automatic circle of life (sprout, die, sprout, die) and will be hired to reshape all campus shrubbery into the busts of all the modern day prophets.
8.       The mention of Graham Canyon ice cream will be punishable by death.
9.       The tree of life sculpture will remain in the scrap metal yard (sorry civil engineers; I know that poster and plan took lots of hard work). In its place, a fire hydrant will be installed with the dual purpose of saving the SWKT from burning to the ground and as a memorial to Randy Bott in memory of his service as the “spiritual fire hydrant” of BYU campus.
10. The grassy area just north of the library will be gifted to the Quill and the Sword club as a “village green” in which they will be able to set up Renaissance camp in perpetuity.

Campus. On Feb. 24 join me in Brigham Square to start a revolution. While the BYUSA-sanctioned candidates are engaging in their Q&A with “the student body,” we will organize a protest against the candidacy requirements in order to put me, your fearless leader, on the ballot. As Mickey Mouse, George Bush, Batman and Professor Kearl have been reported to say, I never said it would be easy, I only said it would be worth it.