Provo’s Finest: Police Beat

Provo’s Finest: Police Beat

Feb 19, 2013

  Suspicious Behavior Feb. 5 University Police responded to reports of two men holding hands near the Wilkinson Student Center. They found that it was a heterosexual couple and the female had been mistaken for a male due to the shortness of her hipster hair style. Feb. 14 Reports were made of uncontrollable sobs coming from under the stairs of the Joseph...

Happy Valley: Best and worst of 2012

Happy Valley: Best and worst of 2012

Dec 28, 2012

Maybe it was the pressure of knowing we were under the microscope during the “Mormon Moment.” Maybe it was pent up anxiety about the looming end of the world and the prospect of all of us having to move to Missouri or fight zombies or whatever. Maybe it was those girls on campus who continually insist on wearing leggings under skirts in spite of all those very...

“Breaking Dawn”: Best movie everrrr!!!!

“Breaking Dawn”: Best movie everrrr!!!!

Dec 3, 2012

Incredible acting, fantastic and artistic dialogue and something for every kind of moviegoer – what else could I be describing than Breaking Dawn: Part 2? This movie exceeds all expectations of being that low quality, girly, romance movie that it is portrayed as; in fact, it is an artistic blend of dialogue, enthralling performance and thematic elements. You...

Barack Obama: Harbinger of the apocalypse

Barack Obama: Harbinger of the apocalypse

Nov 28, 2012

*All of the statements in this  humor piece come from real comments on blogs and other social media network sites. Any red-blooded, freedom-cherishing, temple recommend-holding, tithe-paying, old grandma-caring, Bible-reading, Jesus-loving Defender of Truth and Righteousness knows that scripture foretold the rise and fall of Barrack Obama, the Harbinger of the...

To bikini or not to bikini?

To bikini or not to bikini?

Oct 5, 2012

During the most recent Miss Utah Pageant, a majority of about forty contestants chose to display their curves by wearing two-, rather than one-piece swimsuits. Various spectators were dismayed at the perceived betrayal of modesty and family values common to the Mormon population of Utah, who make up the majority of the state’s residents. Responses ranged from...

Deflated partygoers protest the helium drain

Deflated partygoers protest the helium drain

Oct 5, 2012

All across America citizens gathered this week to protest the current embargo on the shipping of helium to party stores. The government-owned stockpile of helium in Amarillo, TX is emptying at alarming rates, prompting the swift enactment of the Shortage of Helium Austerity Management Act (SHAM). The act restricts access to helium by voiding all shipments to...

Local comedy group aims big

Local comedy group aims big

Oct 3, 2012

Once a month, ComedySportz, Utah county’s longest running comedy club on Center Street, hosts Laughing Matters, a four-man sketch comedy group aiming to make it big in mainstream media. Friends Greg Larsen, Kyle Oram, Eric Phillips and Robbie Pierce—all one-time performers in the Grassroots Shakespeare Company—united around the common interest of bringing...

Police Beat

Wednesday, police saw the best minds of their generation destroyed by madness. An investigation is ongoing. Friday, police stopped a group of angelheaded hipsters burning for the ancient heavenly connection to the starry dynamo in the machinery of night. The hipsters were escorted back to their apartments. Tuesday police caught several students smoking in the...